Questions, Unanswered

September 11, 2001 - There's not an adult in the United States who doesn't immediately recognize that infamous date. For some, the date is only historically significant. For me, that is the date that I lost my daddy. It's a tough day, every year, but part of what makes it so hard is that our entire country mourns/celebrates together and I sound like a petulant child when I don't want to participate. I don't want to participate because Daddy didn't just pass away on 9/11. He wasn't in New York, or on a plane. My dad decided to take his own life that day.
There is no way to repair the scar that left on my soul. I was an adult, married with two children, but I still felt that somehow, Dad's choice to end his life was something that I could have prevented. I questioned my behavior, and things that I had done, for years prior to 2001, trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I met with pastors, counselors, therapists and small groups to deal with the pain. I read books. I talked to my children about my dad. I talked to my grandmother about her son, my dad. I learned how to cope, how to function, how to avoid 9/11 memorials, because life goes on, even though my dad is gone. Learning how to keep moving took time. I had small children, so I had to keep going, but it took a long time to start feeling "normal" again. It's been almost fourteen years though, and I still cry sometimes because I miss my dad.
What would have happened if Dad had talked to somebody? A pastor, a therapist or a doctor? What if he didn't think he had to carry his burden alone? What if he admitted that he needed help? What if he had made a less permanent choice? What if he had left a note that he had checked into a hospital for help, instead of the one we got?
What would Dad think of Sweet Girl's artistic ability? What would he say about Baby Girl's ability to sing? Would their personalities make him smile like their little baby smiles did? Wouldn't my dad love all of his little grandsons? Would he be surprised that my sister's oldest son looks just like he did when he was a kid? Would he be in town every weekend to watch the grandson's play sports?
I have all these questions that spin through my head when I think about my dad. I can imagine what the answers would be, but I won't ever know for sure. When I tell my daughters or my nephews how much their grandfather would have liked something, they don't know if I am telling the truth or just making up stories for them.
All these things are rushing around in my head because I don't know how to talk to a friend.
I have a friend who is handling things in their life like Dad did in the months leading up to his suicide. Sleeping, hiding, self-medicating, avoiding so many things that might expose the pain they are experiencing. Like Dad, this friend has so many people who love them and want to help. Unfortunately, like Dad, this friend puts on a beautiful smile for everyone else to see. They are busy taking care of others, but not taking care of themselves.
I don't know how to make sure that I save my friend. I want to help them find the right kind of help, because I am very aware that, other than loving them, I am not equipped to provide all the help that they need. I know so many people who are praying for this friend. There are candles burning for this person and masses being said in their name. Blessings are being asked, but I think it's time for action so that the children of my friend aren't left with unanswered questions of their own.