Recently, I've spent a lot of time thinking about friends. This is something I have to teach my children about and there is not a convenient handbook! It's hard to tell them all that they need to know, so I've tried to share my knowledge by example.
There are some friends that I talk to everyday, who help me stay grounded and focused. Some of these friendships are deep, meaningful and incredibly important. These friends know me and what's going on in my life, almost on a molecular level. Others are developing - they aren't deep yet, but we're learning about each other. Some of them will likely last for a long time. Realistically though there are some that may not make it through the test of time. I value loyalty and positive energy a great deal and some of my new friends do not.
There are other friends that I talk to every few weeks. We wish we could talk more often, but the reality of our lives keeps us from having that connection. However, no matter if it's been a month or six weeks, we just pick up like we last talked yesterday. These people are some of my oldest friends. I know them, they know me and our friendships just "are". We don't have to work on them, we just have to check in occasionally to remind us that we love each other.I don't select my friends based on shallow things. I have fat friends, skinny friends, friends who are rich, poor, gay, straight, male and female. Some of them are college educated, some are not. Most of them are pretty intelligent but that's just because I'd rather hang out with folks who are smart in one manner or another. You might not meet one of these people and claim, "Wow, that chick is brilliant." but the brilliance is there. Maybe they are brilliantly kind, or artistic or just really crazy smart. The point is I have found their brilliance and they have found mine. Through our friendship, I hope that I am nourishing them and they are nourishing me.
I married my best friend. No matter what, he's the one I want to discuss all the details of my life with. My girls see this and they know I share everything with their dad. I love my mother, she's my other best friend. I share a lot with her and I get her opinion on a lot of things.
These are the positive lessons I can show my children. Even though they don't always see them, they know about them. They don't know that I cry with frustration to a friend many mornings before I go to work. They don't hear the brilliant advice my mom gives me when I contact her with a parenting question. They didn't get to see how hard my girl friends worked to get me through the worst depressive episode of my life, but they are both old enough now to understand and be appreciative.
But, they have seen my friends in action, and that speaks so loudly to them! When my baby had a ferocious panic attack at school, a great friend scooped her up and got her to a calm, safe spot. Now that I'm working, my friends take turns getting the girls picked up and delivered to me so I can get them to doctors appointments and other important places. The fashion plate needed adjustments to a dress. My friend picked up the dress and added straps between her work shifts so babygirl could be ready for her party. I could keep this list going for pages.
My friends have demonstrated that friends help and support one another. And when my girls have gotten into spots where their friends don't support and nurture them, they know it's not okay because I not only tell them, I demonstrate it! When someone doesn't call for six months, doesn't acknowledge me for six months, I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But when I reach out to them and they still don't reach back, I am done. It's not something I do lightly. I have worked long and hard to have my friends and I love them. I don't think you just "dump" the people you love and I've said that to my girls, over and over.
Sometimes the ties do have to be cut. It is, without a doubt, painful and sad, but I come away stronger and healthier in the long run. And that is a lesson I want my girls to learn.
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