Parenting, and how I don't suck at it as much as I sometimes think I do...

Monday night, I came home from work feeling very much like a "bad mom". One of my girls had a really bad day and I had to be at work. I couldn't help her. I couldn't drop my work and rush home and hold her in my arms like I wanted to do. The husband assured me that he had everything under control. He handled a couple of things that I think of as "my jobs" before I could ever get home.
Luckily, I married the guy who knows me best. He gave me time to hug my girls and make sure they were "truly" okay, then he loaded me off on a surprise date. We had a chance to talk about our kids, our jobs and our lives while we shopped, had dinner and rode around on a forklift. I came home feeling much better about my mom duties, but I was still stressing about balancing my girls with my job. Driving home, we got the tweet that our schools were closed on Tuesday.
Tuesday morning, the girls were up bright and early begging to get together with their friends. Even though we had about four inches of snow, I agreed to crank up the 4 wheel drive and go pick everyone up to hang out at our house. We picked up the first friend and headed to the grocery store where we loaded up with extra food and snacks. On the way home, we picked up a second friend. Arriving back at the house, the kids helped unload the groceries and the giggles started! They laughed and played (yes, teenagers playing) all afternoon. Occasionally they would head outside and throw some snow at each other, then they were back inside drinking hot chocolate and eating the snacks they'd picked. After several hours, parents had requested that they head home so they could avoid being iced in at our house. I was preparing to take the kids home, when daughter one handed me her phone and said, "Friend's mom needs to talk to you."
Expecting something like, "I'm stuck at work" or "Can child stay longer?" I took the call. The mother asked if I was indeed Daughter's mom and then asked if her child was at my house. I told her yes, I had picked him up just before lunch. She then said to me that her son was in quite a bit of trouble, so he was grounded and wasn't supposed to leave the house. (Seriously, the ONE time I don't verify a playdate with the parents!) I started to apologize, but she kept talking. She asked me to please keep her kid at my house until the cops could get there to arrest him for being "an unruly child". I was mortified and appalled, but I agreed to keep the kid at my place while we waited for the police. The poor kid was very upset. He acknowledged that he knew he wasn't supposed to go anywhere, but he had called Mom to let her know he was on the way home. We fed him, because he was scared they wouldn't feed him in "Juvie". I apologized for having to wait with him and told him that he's always welcome at our house. Sure enough, the police arrived after a little while. I was questioned about why, when and where I'd picked the kid up. I was cautioned to always speak with the parents before bringing a kid over to hang out, in case they were grounded or not allowed to be with my kid. My ID and information were taken and noted. While I was speaking to OfficerH about picking up the kid, the other guy, OfficerL decided to pick at the boy they'd come to get. He started with, "Why are you just sitting there eating and laughing? Don't you realize you're in trouble?" I almost came unglued. I was worried that the officers would think I was nuts, but I had to speak up. "I fed him! He's a little nervous and embarrassed by this whole thing. Remember, he's just 14!" OfficerL bowed up like he was going to say some more, but OfficerH interrupted and defused the situation by asking my girl if she knew her friend was in trouble. She replied that she did now, but not this morning when we picked him up. It was tense and uncomfortable. It wasn't clear whether the daughter and I were in trouble, or if it was just her friend. Hearing from the officer that the kid's mother was the one pushing for him to be carted away in handcuffs and a police car, was beyond distressing! My girls aren't always well behaved. They certainly break my rules on a regular basis, but the cops are our last resort! My sweet daughter cried after her friend was escorted out of our house and into the police cruiser.
A bit later, we left the house to take the remaining friend home. On the way to drop the friend off, we passed an acquaintance of my girls walking on the sidewalk. The girls in the car started talking about him and the fact that his parents had kicked him out of their house that morning. Their conversation went on about how he had been checking with everyone and had not had any luck finding a place. I didn't think much about it, until we passed him again, walking through the misty rain, on our way back to our toasty warm house. I had to pull over and ask if he had a place to stay for the night. He shook his head sadly and told us, "No, I'm just..." Daughter didn't let him finish, she told him to get into the car. We brought him home, where he gratefully warmed up. Hubby and I enjoyed chatting with him. He ate dinner, laughed with my girls and was truly gracious about being with us.
I have no idea about the extent of what he did that made his parents tell him he couldn't live in their home anymore. However, I believe that it's almost evil to tell anyone they have to leave when the President has declared your location to be in a FEDERAL STATE OF EMERGENCY because of the weather! What kind of person does this? What kind of parent does this? We're not talking about a kid who is strung out on drugs or blatantly disrespectful. (I get that the kid is probably really different with his parents, but still.)
Needless to say, I started the week feeling like a crappy mom. After dealing with these other kids, I'm feeling a little better about my parenting skills. Not saying that I'm good because these others are bad, just saying that maybe I make better parenting choices most of the time than I think I do.

Depression and Stress

You know, it doesn't matter if it's happy stress, like a birthday party or Christmas, or if it's less happy stress, like looming deadlines and test data. Stress causes people, like me, with certain types of depression disorders to have some trouble. It's not just, "Oh, I'm a little sad." A little sad means you can have a good cry and you'll start feeling better when the sun comes out. It's not, "I wish I could get a little more sleep to better deal with this situation." I'm pretty sure I could sleep for days and things wouldn't get any better, or any worse for that matter.
I can tell my temper is a little shorter, I'm a little more sensitive in general about most things and way more sensitive about other things, not predictable things, but they are there.
It's not fun when I feel like this. In fact, it sucks. I can't talk to anyone about it. While my friends want to be supportive, there isn't anything they can do to make me feel better. My family is a mixed bag. They aren't aware, don't get it or just don't have time for it. I understand that.
It will get better. I will feel better. It just will take time. I don't like waiting.

Party on Wayne

It has been cold this week. As mentioned earlier, we've had to have the dogs inside and that just makes it hard to keep the house clean. So, today was a mad scramble to get the house cleaned up, to MY standards since Baby Girl was having her birthday party. The annoyance I felt with the whole process is fodder for another blog entry, suffice it to say, someone was annoyed and someones are going to be in for a shock! After dealing with the aggravation of cleaning the house, we had to go pick up vehicles from oil changes and run the party errands. In the past, we've had to invite Kim Possible over, sludge through snow to pick up Hogwarts and pray that McGonegal and Trelawny made it out of the mountains, and create a cake that featured Spot the Dog. I really wasn't sure what to expect this afternoon, but I was prepared for anything. 

My sweet hubby joined us at Hobby Lobby, as unsure of the festivities as I was.  Baby Girl grinned and told us she needed some henna tattoo kits. On the way to the henna, she spotted "Silly String". We NEEDED two cans of each color, so into the basket they went. We collected zebra striped plates (pronounced like we're British) and matching napkins. Hubby and I looked at Baby Girl and at each other. She declared that everything else we needed would be found at the grocery store. We did the secret parent high five over a $50 birthday party compared to many in the past and headed to the cars. 

Big sister had been invited to a friend's house. Normally, we insist that she be around, but in the interest of no tension, we allowed her to head out. Baby Girl picked her cake, chose some chips and drinks and decided we were finished. I grabbed some ice cream, despite her protests and we headed home to order the pizzas. 

After years of extravagant, well attended parties, Baby Girl decided that this year was going to be super low-key. She had a few close friends who showed up at 6:00. The giggles began about 6:10! 

Anyone who looked at the list of activities would probably guess we were entertaining 9 year olds, not teenagers. There was more play at this party than I've seen in a long time. The crew laughed at the cartoons they pulled up on the television. They added laser canons to the Silly String battle and cackled through all 10 cans of Silly String. Elaborate henna tattoos were done on hands and arms of every guest, male and female. Sprite and Mr. Pibb were consumed in fancy plastic wine glasses which caused more giggles. They took sparklers into the front yard and took as they chased each other with them.

I have always loved hearing my children laugh. As they get older, their laughter gets more cautious. Tonight was a very special treat, for me. And I think the birthday girl enjoyed herself too!

oops - hit save not publish. Saturday, January 25.

Cold outside, Puppies Inside

Five years ago I asked for a "purse dog" to keep me company in the house and while I was driving around doing "mom things"! The girls and I shopped and shopped for this pup. We went to pet stores, adoption centers, humane societies, shelters and any other place that was rumored to have baby dogs. Finally, on a beautiful Sunday at the local PetCo, Baby Girl and I found him. He was adorable. His whole body was just a little bigger than my hands. His head was soft and smelled like puppy. We called Hubby and Sweet Girl to come check him out. Hubby held a little black paw in his hand and asked the Foster dad, "How big do you think he'll get?" Foster said (straightfaced) "No more than 20 pounds." Hubby said, "Sure!" The girls and I were oblivious to his wicked grin as we loved on our new baby.
We had a family meeting to choose a name, Joe. We (the girls and I) shopped carefully for a very great collar and leash set. Pup got a new crate. Outfits were purchased. Everywhere that I went, Joe went too. If it rained, Joe wore his rain coat and little yellow boots. If it was cold, he wore his red sweater. He wore his navy blue blazer with brass buttons when we went to the funeral for my beloved Great Aunt. He sat quietly in the car during the funeral. I knew it would be very confusing to a puppy to see lots of green grass and be unable to play!
The first months raced by and we noticed that Joe was outgrowing his awesome wardrobe. His seat belt wasn't big enough anymore. His collar had no more holes to move the hook into. The vet, who had agreed with the Foster, was surprised that Joe weighed 30 pounds. He was really shocked a little bit later when Joe weighed 45 pounds. By the time Christmas rolled around, Joe didn't have a wardrobe anymore. He had a pretty, extra large, purple collar and a matching leash. His seat belt was the largest that PetCo sold. When he visited the vet, he weighed in at 86.4 pounds!
He finally realized that he was bigger than our other dog, Wymberly, and decided that he wanted to stay outside with her more often than he wanted to stay inside, or go off, with me. I was pretty sad. There went my purse dog... Or so I thought!
When Joe comes inside, he likes to sit in the chair with me. Not on the couch that is designed to hold multiple people, but in the single adult size chair. He also likes to snuggle up close and share my pillow. His very favorite spot is curled up in my lap, all 85+ pounds of him.
The temperatures have dropped below freezing again, so I guess I get to enjoy another night of snuggling with my sweet purse puppy. Since my girls don't like snuggling, I will appreciate my pup who does!

Lazy days Yummy dinners

This morning, I eventually decided to get out of my cozy bed and face the day. Yesterday was pretty awesome, so today had much to live up to in the books. The oldest was already downstairs, so I made my coffee and sat down in the family room with her. I tried to start the conversation a couple of times, but noticed that all my questions got in reply were gentle, delicate snores. I decided this was a perfect opportunity to plan some menus for the week and do some housework. Then, I changed my mind.

I downloaded some books that I've been meaning to read. I caught up on some blogs. I fixed myself a very yummy breakfast. A couple of times, I caught myself thinking about checking my work e-mail or doing some major job around the house. Instead, I concentrated on relaxing. I thought it was the right thing to do. On Friday morning, I heard something on NPR about relaxing. During my students' quiz, an article popped into my inbox about breathing techniques for stress relief. When I was catching up on the blogs I follow, no less than five of them were about mindfulness or stress reduction. Sometimes you get a subtle hint, other times you get smacked upside the head with a crow bar! I can take the hint.

Stress sneaks up on you. And it's not always as easy to shake as taking a hot shower or snuggling with your puppy. It takes some effort. So I started fixing it today. I did things that give me pleasure. I stood up for myself when it was time to be strong. And the plans I made for the week are going to help me be much more relaxed by this time next week!

Time with Treasures

Weeks ago, a friend from my first high school invited me to a birthday party. It was to be a white elephant party on a Saturday afternoon. I thought about whether I should attend, after all I was going to have to drive all the way back to my old neighborhood. After much contemplation, I put in my RSVP that I would be there. As party time got closer, I got pretty excited about seeing my old house, the area where I grew up and catching up with my old pal. Earlier this week, I decided to take my oldest with me to the party so she could share my trip down memory lane.
This morning, I got up and noticed that my hair looked totally incredible. I took it as a sign! You know, when you get together with people who knew you in your prime, you want to look good. I probably changed clothes 10 times, but finally felt like I looked as cute as possible. And my hair - it looked just wonderful!  I wrapped my white elephant gift and the package looked beautiful! Even if the gift was weird, it looked great. Finally ready, I announced to the oldest that she was coming with me, expecting push back. She said, "wonderful, can I drive?"
We hopped into the Pearl and headed off to the other side of the city.  Listening to her music, we talked about why she liked specific songs. We discussed Kyle leaving Breathe Carolina and that it's probably because David Schmitt is such a tool. Suddenly my sweet girl noticed that we were very near the Gluten Free bakery. "Do you want me to stop?"
We laughed and laughed at the terrible parking job that Sweet Girl did in front of the bakery. The last time we were there she parked badly so we debated if there was some sort of curse on the parking lot. She just said she wanted to get me real close to the door. Into the bakery we headed, I tried almost every sample that they offered. Sweet Girl, who can eat gluten all she wants, tried the samples with me. She advised against the pumpkin bread, praised the cookies and egged me on about the cupcakes. We chatted with the lady about Apple and how Sweet Girl loves Apple stuff.
Our next stop was the Race Trac to get drinks to go with our brownie. Sweet Girl charmed the guy behind the counter so much that he forgot to charge us for her apple juice. We giggled about that in the car as she pulled back into traffic.
As we passed into my old stomping grounds, I started pointing out places to my daughter. She smiled and said, "I know" so many times that I finally asked if she had heard this before. She grinned and said, "oh no Mom. I have never heard that you went to church there."
We got to my friend's party. We could hear sirens in the distance, but neither of us thought anything about that. As we walked into the house, a girl we didn't know asked if we'd parked in the driveway because she didn't want us to block the ambulance. Apparently, an earlier arrival had fallen down the stairs and was injured. Sweet Girl roamed the group with me. We chatted with my friends Dad about cats and dogs. We met a librarian from an alternative school. We talked to a mom and her daughter who was near Sweet Girl's age.  After the EMTs left, Sweet Girl patiently let me re-introduce her to my friend. While my friend opened her presents, my baby snuggled into a small chair with me.
Once we left, Sweet Girl seemed really quiet. I wasn't concerned, but I noticed it was different. As we drove around to look at places from my childhood, she started asking me questions. Not just easy questions, tough ones, questions that had complicated, controversial answers. For the entire hour plus ride, she asked me things and we talked about things that were deep and complex.
Home at last, she informed me she had a headache and was heading to bed. I was a little sad that our time together had come to this abrupt end. I decided to take a nap too. When I got to my bedroom, Sweet Girl was snuggling into my bed. As we napped, she reached over several times to touch my arm. After hubby arrived at home, we delivered the other daughter to her sleepover and went to pick up our dinner. As we sat in the car waiting for the our Chinese to be ready, Sweet Girl climbed into the front seat and snuggled with me. Hubby looked over and raised his eyebrows. This was not typical of my girl!
Our evening actually wrapped up as we watched "Sixteen Candles" together. After the day we had, it was a great way to end it. When I woke up this morning, I thought the highlight was going to be seeing an old friend. I am so thrilled with the actual highlight that I got instead.

And that's a wrap...

It's been a long crazy week. For years, I would hang with the kids from Monday until Friday afternoon and then have incredible weekend plans that were ready to start the moment dear hubby arrived home from work. I was always so frustrated that he didn't want to play with us from Friday afternoon until Sunday evening. I don't know why he didn't just tell me that working all day, each week, was exhausting and he just needed to lay around house for a couple of hours.
Okay, even if he had told me (and honestly, he probably did) I wouldn't have listened. I thought playing with the family was the most relaxing thing we could do.
Now, after five days in the classroom, working at least eight hours a day, I understand. I look forward to the most awesome plans I've ever come up with - NOTHING.  We sort of help the girls get their Friday chores done, deliver them to their evening destination and head out to dinner. Not a fancy dress up dinner, we prefer someplace dark and quiet that serves us quickly and has cold diet coke. Most weeks, we are back at the house by 10:00 where the real best part of my week happens.
My sweet hubby and I get to hang out together and watch brainless television. Sometimes, we drink coffee, sometimes we drink coke. Always, we enjoy the few hours that we get where we don't have to be anywhere or take care of anyone else.
It's a very well appreciated weekly wrap up that is all ours.